posted by Gumby at 2:15 PM
1 comments
Grumpys, i felt like i was princess di's limo driver
“hey uhh... i just got into a bunch of shit i was wondering if i could use your phone”
...anyone?
get the fuck outta here asshole we're watching the game, duh
but grumpyts really is the best crowd,
because they tell you the truth man
hey where are you spending ur birthday
“gruhh.. grumpys”
....
gotta be more like me on stage just telling jokes
know why they still keep pennies around?
so huge cumheads like me can follow you bitches around!
ull be at the bank and you'll say, hi shopkeep,
ill be have uhh, a hundred pennies, wrap em up for me
thats basically like saying hey i want a hundred guys to cum on my head
so i was watchin porn
what the fuck do you want from me i watch porn once in a while goddamn it
we're always doing things but never admitting it you know
"why do u drink" "cuz im hAppY"
"o sory i thought i was at laughy's"
ninja star whoosh (in the strength one) “o i got ninja star now,” whoosh whoosh whoosh it would be great if we could choose our own adventures right? Like in those choose your own adventure books?
penis is in our spine!
“im gonna spine fuck you baby...
79 inches”
so i was drinking a couple 80s the other day
tomatoes? Youre a dumb mother fucker. Why do i fucking hang out with this guy? I want to kill you.
Whenever you go out you make it a point to show your friends how stupid he is
oh dont bothering ordering that, antoine wont eat it
when antoine goes to the bathroom, “antoine is a fag isnt he?”
Or like baby, i don't care what you say, space jam is the worst fucking make out song ive ever heard.
All montreal cares about is fucking looking pretty and making sure pizzaghetti is a real thing. Because pizzaghetti isnt real man.
All it is is a fuckign slice of pizza and some spaghetti. Its not like i put a dirty earthworm in a tank with some carrot fucker and say, “hes mexican” . Oh look , hes diggin a hole? Hes looking for work
The first time my black friend got stoned he was fucking nerdier than anyone ive ever seen man. Like he was not fuckin chill about it at all
like first we went to get some mexican food (which you guys really have no idea what you're doing, by the way. Fucking bell papers in some garbage bread does not count as a tostata). But anyway ellery, yeah great name, eh? Anyway he took a hit and the whole time he was like
“o man. I didn't know it could be like this, u mean u guys just get high every day and like that's what you do?”
“um.. yeah”
“THATS AMAZING. We have to like TELL THE WORLD man. People outside need to kno, that this is what its like”
i remember getting back at like 2 pm and he looks at me real concerned and is like, “i gotta do that standup shit tonight man am i going to be okay?”
and im like what, in fuckin seven hours? Hahahahah
AM I GOING TO BE OKAY? When we think we're not going to be okay, everything seems like it's going to kill us.
Snooze alarm
you learn to sleep through it
why isnt it beeping
oh god
a thousand times, oh ill just hit this nine more times
it's like that friend who always give you shitty advice that you hate
“hey buddy, u shud get up!”
“shut the fuck up, bitch!” smacks him in the face”
yeah and then he does shutup but like nine minutes later hes right back in
“WAH WAH WAH”
oh my god shut UP shut UP pounds it
that fucker is relentless, man, he doesn't shut the fuck up. You gotta kill him for him to shutup. “WAH WAH WAH” “that's it guy, there goes your life support gwah! *pulls
(cant write jokes like you're chappelle or something, need a wide variety of influence fuck)
put missingno into a routine
GRAH it would sound like it wanted to die
then it would kill all your pokemon
that shit was awesome,
it literally killed your friends game when you played them with it
its like ok i got uh pikachu, charisaur, ratatat, some unicorns thing, a blob, ditto its a blob, and this really ugly bitch jynx.
When you would battle your friends
whats happening to my game it wont turn on anymore
hahahahah MISSINGNO, bitch! GRAH GRA GRAH mother fucker gimme your lunch money too, when we're older i wont be able to beat you up anymore, gwuh huh huh huh huh,
cause the
such a bad kid man i would beat everyone up cause i could. I didn't give a fuck. I was like a girl in a candy shop man. no one suspects the girl they can be giving you dead arms left and right and there isnt shit you can do about it. So mean man, like my ex... ashley...
doesnt it make you crazy when you actually really lose something. Its like aww.. i couldnt even hold on to a fork. I suck. now all i have to eat is a knife and a spoon. I shouldve gotten that 2 pak i knew it, dollaramas too expensive u sed u can find better
and what are you guys so proud of anyway, is kovalev quebecois or something? No, but you act like hes from here.
HEY! I'm tryin to DRINK here buddy, i cant drink and listen at the same time, what am i russian? Im french, im the one thats gonna talk. It takes me 9 hours to eat a steak, okay? I have over two thousand berets, do i look like i want to listen to you?
Sometimes girls ask me questions i just don't know how to answer okay? Im just me, you have to deal with it.
But like we'll start fooling around and then when we start taking off our clothes shes like
“hold on a minute”
Who the fuck wears Jean Cretien underwear?
Me okay? Me
cmon guys can you imagine that? Some girl really wants you and all she gets is a fucking barrage of jean cretien eating hot wings, with hot sauce all over his face? Raarrrh, intimacy! Its so good man, such good fore play, mmm. laughs God, that guy looks like a fucked up raisin man, he has problems. I thought he was a great prime minister for you guys man. I wouldve loved a leader where i couldve been like, “hey, whatever happens, at least im not as ugly as that guy”. Oh wait, i sorta do already, fuck. Wait, sweet. George bush come get some of this fuckin hair man. Just try. (so dumb hahhaa)
on choose your own adventure (you have to explain your jokes more at first, to get them to follow your train of thought)
“i hate how they make you sound like you're crippled or something in that man”
we dont like to laugh, why the fuck do you think we drink at grumpys? Okay, thats fair.
I hate it when people argue big corporations like they know what they're talking about man. People argue against costco man like what the fuck they dont steal your jobs. What are you pissed you couldn't get a job at costco? ~so saaaD, booo HooOO~. They give you free samples, man, you're just a jerk if you don't like that. “i don't like it when people give me things for free.” and i love it when they give it to you man, its like they give it to you and you're like, “thanks, im not going to buy that, uh huh hur huh hur” some say comedians have the toughest job in the world but i think those sample guys have it the worst. How do you think those guys get a date? “so what do you do?” “uhh im a sample guy.” “get outta here” “what, i got my jean cretien underwear on, damn it”
but then when something cool like dollarama pops up and everyones like YEAAAA DOLLARAMA IS AWESOME!! its the same fucking thing. You just hate costco cause its not dollarama man. You'd be happy if there were a million fucking dollaramas but its probably the worst thing. How many kids do you think die to make those gummy frogs, probably a million. Those are gummy kids man, not gummy frogs! “noo, don't eat me aaah... i want to grow up and...uh... do nothing for a while (larry voice ~ooohHHooH~)”.
Those are china kids not gummy frogs man! You're eating my team, assholes.
Haha one time i smoked salvia and i thought i was like in a video game, like unreal tournament, and i was like hold on man my team is here, and i busted out of the room like i was gonna start shooting (and i said Brok brok bork) guys, but then i was like, holy shit, this party we're gonna go to is awesome! i was the only one in the room, too. Salvia makes me feel cold, like waves of spikes. Poooof.
Pull out a spliff before the last joke and be like i need this to motivate me til the end, man. This one is for you guys ( i love how we give ourselves rewards when we do good things for ourselves. We're like our own puppies)
(find out what your characters want,
what people want and talk a bout it
figure out what people really find important and talk about it) [don't say fuck as much, i don't know, when you say it less it become funnier] start out strong, ordering your jokes is very important, crucial man. 2nd best joke first, third best joke second to last, best joke last.
Talk about my lonely christmas eating ravioli out of a can. (a sad fonzi) i was like fonzi in that episode of happy days when he was all sad. “ehh...”
“will you stop fucking stabbing me with that thing”
“what?”
“put stabson away already!”
we want to be loved right? I feel like everyone here, it doesnt matter who you are, is constantly trying to prove that theres nothing wrong with us. Right? I just love you guys, that's all i just want to make you laugh that's why im here man “i'm glad i could make you guys laugh, im smoking this spliff now, thanks”
Green line joke.... aaah my face is broken “it's flossin time”
getting plastered is probably a good idea again. Then you can laugh at yourself and have confidence that at least you think you're funny, so maybe the audience will too.
Lol yea right ( analyze it from a professors point of view )juxtaposition, this one is good man, i think you could probably do something with this, just figure it out, it might take forever but dont lose it.
posted by Gumby at 8:34 AM
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people who like instant message me get really mad at me for never going online, but the truth is im always online. It's not my fault you're not interesting. They always say something like “lol hay dewd” and i always ask them something like,
hey man. do you know warner bloxman? And then i never sign on again for some reason.
posted by Gumby at 1:00 PM
0 comments
Need to also make non girl/non asian references, egh, not my complete style at all, i need to sit down and write a tangent – say im from california
this routine could be about women, dont let the creative flow get owned, just keep writing man, dont limit yourself, write about EVERYTHING, ANYTHING, its all about getting enough material to be on stage right now
from now on keep all your organized stand up in this file, so you never lose a single joke and you're organized okay
you know how girls do mean things to tease you sometimes but they can get away with it sometimes
agh need to constantly stay fresh! Cant just use same limited physical comedy/pop references, think outside the box a while man
Ashley giving me a lobster, and then cutting my wounds with its claw and i think its salt but really
shes pouring tuberculosis in there
“that's not salt its ecstasy! You're gonna loooooove me!”
WHAT
is that even POSSIBLE
and shes just like smiling trying to tackle me to the ground and wrestle, 'I lOVE U “”!!”
and im just shouting lik,e oh my god oh my fucking god you cant just give someone syphallus
goddamn it!
And she'll start to get teary eyed and say real sad to me
“but u dont LOVE ME?”
and ill be sort of like moving around like i have to go to the bathroom with my limbs at my side “agh... of course i love u”
“NO U DONT
IM GONNA KILLLLLL MYSELF”
sometiems i dont know what to say really, i think i just yelled back then
looks down
“you're a pussy! Diego luna was bitten by five hundred lobster and he LETS his girlfriend do
“AAAAAGH, who the FUCK is DIEGO LUNA”
i hate those fruedian guys man, like what's up with them and how much they persist to try n “get u”. it's not even like age matters either, these guys are fucking dick professors and stuff
what the fuck is so respectable about putting your dick in your dad, goddamn it
hey where are YOU going? (mexican)
“i'm looking for work”
it's like
ill be watching a movie and ill see someone good looking
and ill whisper to my friend
"man, that sinbad guy sure is handsome"
and my fruedian friend friend'll say
thats probably cause you jack off to your mom
... fag
one thing that really bothers me you know is when im messing around with someone and they have an outtie belly button.
Aw man... outtie.
The outtie is like a scrunched up face , it's always getting in the way of things
cant maneuver like you usually can, there are nubs (nubbins) of skin flying everywhere
its like when you're opening a present and a fucking snake pops out and bites you in the face
like AAAH , AAAh(me afterwards reacting)
its so offensive, so obtuse
outtie is like when you're pulling down a girls pants and suddenly you're like
“goddamn it, you never told me you were a centaur.
Well this changes everything”
inny is like a womb, i could hibernate in there, get a nice blanket
read a book itll be a nice winter
teresas belly button (im glad its an inny, sure is big in here)
"who put a rush poster up back here?)
i rmeember my ex girlfriend teresa, she was canadian
i used to hang out in hers all the time man
but one time i was cleaning up and i was like
“who put up a rush poster up back here?”
you know i try to pull off that, eh stuff, that you canadians
say? but it never works. i just sound goofy when i say it. like,
oh boy that wagon wheel sure tastes good, eh?
i changed my password to maple syrup eh? oh yea i gotta get dat done on der
webernet too eh (in a husehd hushed canadian voice)
and how about those canadiens huh? they're doing pretty good.
the way you guys love hockey man i love it
i had a conversation with my friend the other day, like uh
yea da c anadiens eat da ottawa senators for breakfast eh? they're all like
let's debate this issue cause we're senators
, and we're like put some more bacon on that eh,
and we just eat them and they like, lose the game eh cause they're all
eaten?
and then i took their wallets and bought some alexander keiths,
that was the greatest part of the night, eh
some guy at tim hortons afterwards
offered me a hoot of his wristwatch but i never
smoked weed out of a wristwatch before eh? So i said no (so i turned him down)
i like it how you guys say hoot instead of a hit
i dont ever hoot man, im like...
... a dead owl
Assy joke
can you guys imagine the world if there weren't any cups around man?
Hey man do you want some sprite?
Sure man.... AW FUCK
maybe write a joke about the gap in my teeth
i brush my teeth but not like u guys uh huh huh huhh
voice needs improvement.
--
Are you ready to LAUGH
you know there was this girl who had a huge crush on me
“my face and boobs melted off in the 9th grade.
... will you go to the prom with me?”
“uhh... no”
coke pepsi
like choosing between two six foot girls
hey you taste better
cant get away with having an affinity for like the latinas you know,
even though they're pretty cute i guess
like girls or i think even gay guys i dont know, but people other than ME can say, that spanish (MEXICAN)
(in yangleys voice)
“how about that spicy latino flavor, ulike this asian heat”
any latinas?
(improv back in the day)
hey wer r u going
im looking for work
(this joke might only work in cali)
\asian super star\\ tru roots/ california/montreal buddy woop woop, shit i need to do moodle postings dont i? (KEEP THIS STANDUP ONLY DUMASS)
got my sister a balloon with ten dollars in it
two balloons one with one dollar and one with zero dollars
(11:41:29 PM) indiegumby: she was crying
(11:41:30 PM) indiegumby: irl
(11:41:31 PM) indiegumby: hahahaha
(11:41:33 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg
(11:41:36 PM) Dextrous Scholar: you should include that part
(just to let anyone know)
(11:42:42 PM) indiegumby: once i got my sister
(11:42:44 PM) indiegumby: berenstein bears books
(11:42:46 PM) indiegumby: that were already on
(11:42:48 PM) indiegumby: the family shelf
(11:42:59 PM) indiegumby: i just wrapped them up and gave them to her
(11:43:26 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg lol
(11:43:34 PM) Dextrous Scholar: those suck so much
“ohh here u gooo”
you can't do that! Youre breakin the rules of comedY!!
story of mabel and how the indigenous ppls
didnt even speak in english, just in broken english
mabel was a slave.
how was your american thanksgiving
what i cant get say negative six
minus six
teresa laughing at awkward metric sysmte
am i right the cold seed
hello george washington
ooh look who graduated george washington
isnt that a good name george washington
aww...
my feelings
keep working on your routine and some day you'll be great man... itll take a while
but youll get it just start writing down EVERYTHING even if its bad, get it out there
agh dont go into dirty humor, you dont need to
be more intelligent
i brush my teeth but not like u guys
“face is like fuckin sandpaper!”
green line/floss (aaaah, my face is broken)
hey do you know warner bloxman? Sorry, blox
“i wonder if anyone thinks about what someone's skeleton looks like”
--
want other material too
choose your own adventure
you sort of feel bad because youve never gotten to choose your own goddamn adventure before everyones telling you to learn about paul revere or cro magnum or something and its really nice
(look around your shoulder to see if its alright, and dive right in)
if you want to
be a huge loser, flip to page 29
be lame and uncool go to page 53
i dont know if i want that, dunno if thats on my perogative right now (in english)
if you want to be a hero, flip to page 53
alrite 53 here i come
( O NO! ) A DRAGON HAS MELTED YOUR FACE OFF
uhh what? But this is MY adventure?
If you want to slay the dragon go to page 94
if you want to be cool again flip to page 47
(why does the book sound like the movie fone guy? Does this guy watch a lot of movies or something?)
alright 47, make me a stud again
you have asked jennifer to the prom
you say
jenny i am sorry i melted my face off will u go to the prom with me
jennifer sez
“no, get away from me i dont like to go to prom with no faces”
u r un popular and ded
The end
(u deded yourself when she said no get away from me)
“goddamn it even in my fantasy world i cannot win”
“if you were crippled you couldnt draw that”
“if he were crippled he couldnt have drawn that i dont think”
thanks george washington
no problem i will get your body and your arm
and little kids would always spell things wrong so you always get the fucked up version of the story
dont get me started on the double standards i think women have sometimes. I mean yeah tons of guys are jerks, okay, but dont act like you dont have types of guys you're automatically attracted to.
I feel like i can't talk to women simply because of how i look, not the things i say, like ill come up with something real romantic like
“hey der baby, how about some of ur vacation hours are spent in luvtown”
“hey beautiful... beautiful... i love you”
“oh my god get away from me you creep”
she turns to her friend and says
“did you just see that ? I think that asian girl just tried to hit on me? Ew”
and then i dont know, fucking kareem AKON jabbar walks by all tall and mighty
u'z my bitches
how you you'in
then walks away
and they're all like
“omg , we are his bitches”
“yeaaah, did you see his 47 pack”
“no stupid it was a 98 pack... mmm”
(who's AKON?? i'm too old to understand that reference... is AKON kareem jabbars middle name?)
i love it when people here pretend they dont speak english
in such an exaggeratred way like you ask them
hey how do i get to the hospital im bleeding
and they just sort of look at you wide eyed not saying anything (hold out arms and shake head like “whaaaT? I dont understand you, sorry!”
nobody wants to deal with that shit i guess i dont blame you
i don't understand body language!
This how i usually gesticulate; (do the “helix” dance with your arms like that girl in pete and pete)
falling in the ice twice,
you didn't give me your phone number!!
i came here from all the way from california, and i will not have uncool people at my fucking house you hear me? Only people i want here pleaes...
theres like something seriously wrong with people who like way younger people man
like if you're
like
45 and a really attractive women
and you're like into 20 something androgynous guys
... yo ushould probably...stay... after the show...
i'll..report you...
(i'd love to report you)
having an intro saying
so thees are jokes other people thought would be funny but i really didnt think were that funny
ARE YOU REDY TO LAFF
sheena told me i should tell a joke with a space between my teeth
“i brush my teeth but not like u guys huhuhuh”
give a giraffe some water but cut a hole in its throat so he'd think he'd be refreshed but really he'd just be disappointed.
me and my brothers used to roll around with me and sandwiched me inbetween their big tummies. It was their idea of family bonding i guess, they called it a jam session
randomly say out of nowhere and rub your thighs with your hands,
“man i hate smoking with gloves on”
these are some stories i wrote
o no the revolutionary war is happening
george washington is here to save us
he is saying
minitemun minute men and
country men lets fight
chrage charge charge
george washington help me
what is it my son
my body they got my body
i will get your body and your arm
thank you.. gorge washingson
mabel (little sheen's idea of what being a slave was like) seven american perception of slaves-
dear diary
i have to work
everyday i have to do all the work and have no fun
i am a slave
my only other friend is a white girl who is also a slave.
everyday we have to wear our nasty dresses because mistress whips us if we dont wear them
later
the indians come and skin my dad and their dads
and they say
ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo
because they have no language of their own to speak in
they can only
ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo
today is a sad day because my dads skins are off and i am still a slave
love,
mabel
(da mistress and how she talks about the mistress)
keep working on material
hahahah nasty dress i have to add that in somewhere
"Girl! You up there?" screamed the mistress.
"Yes'm!"
"You best be changing. Our guests will be here any minute!"
"Yes'm."
With a grunt, Mabel got up and struggled to get on her nasty dress. It was tight, with disgusting white ruffles, but apparentley, the mistress thought it was necessary, for Mabel was whipped every time she appeared in public withought it.
Mabel was a slave. She hated it. She wished she could escape from her horrible chores and her obsessed mistress. Her only friend was the white slave, Gretchen, who was the cook. Mabel woke everymorning at 6 am, fetched the milk and the eggs, then woke up her mistress and for the rest of the day, obeyed the mistress's horrid orers. SHe went to sleep at 11 pm, awating another terrible day.
Action thriler featuring denzel washington as
STEVE BIKO
also featuring
SINBAD
as...
STEVE BIKO
also have to present myself on stage and talk about issues that bother me you know, like cavaties. I mean i know ive got em but i just pile em on because im afraid of what'll happen. You ever do that? Then suddenly you have to get a root canal and you leave to montreal because they'll save your teeth there, but no.
had some problems, my life over the last year
smoking lots of doobies and sorta chilling out, i dont know
traveled to nashville for a while,
they had this game where we would go into a trailer and pad the inside with mattresses and roll the fucker down a hill it was great
just gotta smoke less weed man its killing your insecurities, honestly, itll keep ruining you
fuck this is just the cream of the crop right now you dont know how itll work out
TRY to use the voice you tell sheen jokes in man)
keep writin material (smoke less weed ugh
doobie time at 7:20pm no energy anymore... stop hurting your brain cells man, you need to be fresh, i want to see another good joke by tomorrow lol)
dont think you dont need improvement
you need years and years and years of improvement and experience man! You also need to keep writing whenever you think of something, smoke less and get out in the world man
(also do your stupid hw lol)
ugh i hate “chan to chong” cheap jokes jesus
ugh, cheap jokes, asian people dont give a fuck man we're just wondering why you're always fucking with us man.
Guys doing cheap jokes on asians fuck
or guys who look like tom cruise or other minor celebrities
fuck
and whats with this entire thing about making fun of asian guys man? Shit with a warm heart and good head of hair you can fuckin do anything
so take that you bald racist mother fuckers
you see this hair? I know its fuckin pretty man, i grew it
alright im glad i fucking went and scoped out the competition, i think i could floor them with a little more practice
“but i like driving an audi!” - on outtie belly buttons (i bet he cant even drive, u know cause hes
...black)
missing no – obscure references; was soooo stoned and drunk laughed at such inappropriate times met a guy from new zealand whatever, he seemed nice, gave me the number to comedyworks great guy thanks
you think u got it bad dude? I only smoked NINE joints today!
You proved to yourself you could go on your own to do stuff... you arent a coward. This town
isnt so scary anymore once you go out and see the people huh
we're all
just
people
heyy man im from california yeah wooo alright
so hows everyone doing tonight
hahaha im sorry man i cant do that shit anymore
im way too fucking stoned. Heres where the real show begins okay? Here we go you fuckers
if anyone wants to touch it get it line man, behind me buddy
girls love to fill up space
(manhattan dandelion-space the final frontier, one million!!!)
do asian people like to smoke weed?
Yeah we would like to smoke weed
but we're smokin too much meth stayin up to make the toys supporting your society!
posted by Gumby at 12:40 PM
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posted by Gumby at 11:09 AM
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