Grumpys, i felt like i was princess di's limo driver

“hey uhh... i just got into a bunch of shit i was wondering if i could use your phone”

...anyone?

get the fuck outta here asshole we're watching the game, duh

but grumpyts really is the best crowd,

because they tell you the truth man

hey where are you spending ur birthday

“gruhh.. grumpys”

....

gotta be more like me on stage just telling jokes

know why they still keep pennies around?

so huge cumheads like me can follow you bitches around!

ull be at the bank and you'll say, hi shopkeep,

ill be have uhh, a hundred pennies, wrap em up for me

thats basically like saying hey i want a hundred guys to cum on my head

so i was watchin porn

what the fuck do you want from me i watch porn once in a while goddamn it

we're always doing things but never admitting it you know

"why do u drink" "cuz im hAppY"

"o sory i thought i was at laughy's"

ninja star whoosh (in the strength one) “o i got ninja star now,” whoosh whoosh whoosh it would be great if we could choose our own adventures right? Like in those choose your own adventure books?

penis is in our spine!

“im gonna spine fuck you baby...

79 inches”

so i was drinking a couple 80s the other day

tomatoes? Youre a dumb mother fucker. Why do i fucking hang out with this guy? I want to kill you.

Whenever you go out you make it a point to show your friends how stupid he is

oh dont bothering ordering that, antoine wont eat it

when antoine goes to the bathroom, “antoine is a fag isnt he?”

Or like baby, i don't care what you say, space jam is the worst fucking make out song ive ever heard.

All montreal cares about is fucking looking pretty and making sure pizzaghetti is a real thing. Because pizzaghetti isnt real man.

All it is is a fuckign slice of pizza and some spaghetti. Its not like i put a dirty earthworm in a tank with some carrot fucker and say, “hes mexican” . Oh look , hes diggin a hole? Hes looking for work

The first time my black friend got stoned he was fucking nerdier than anyone ive ever seen man. Like he was not fuckin chill about it at all

like first we went to get some mexican food (which you guys really have no idea what you're doing, by the way. Fucking bell papers in some garbage bread does not count as a tostata). But anyway ellery, yeah great name, eh? Anyway he took a hit and the whole time he was like

“o man. I didn't know it could be like this, u mean u guys just get high every day and like that's what you do?”

“um.. yeah”

“THATS AMAZING. We have to like TELL THE WORLD man. People outside need to kno, that this is what its like”

i remember getting back at like 2 pm and he looks at me real concerned and is like, “i gotta do that standup shit tonight man am i going to be okay?”

and im like what, in fuckin seven hours? Hahahahah

AM I GOING TO BE OKAY? When we think we're not going to be okay, everything seems like it's going to kill us.

Snooze alarm

you learn to sleep through it

why isnt it beeping

oh god

a thousand times, oh ill just hit this nine more times

it's like that friend who always give you shitty advice that you hate

“hey buddy, u shud get up!”

“shut the fuck up, bitch!” smacks him in the face”

yeah and then he does shutup but like nine minutes later hes right back in

“WAH WAH WAH”

oh my god shut UP shut UP pounds it

that fucker is relentless, man, he doesn't shut the fuck up. You gotta kill him for him to shutup. “WAH WAH WAH” “that's it guy, there goes your life support gwah! *pulls

(cant write jokes like you're chappelle or something, need a wide variety of influence fuck)

put missingno into a routine

GRAH it would sound like it wanted to die

then it would kill all your pokemon

that shit was awesome,

it literally killed your friends game when you played them with it

its like ok i got uh pikachu, charisaur, ratatat, some unicorns thing, a blob, ditto its a blob, and this really ugly bitch jynx.

When you would battle your friends

whats happening to my game it wont turn on anymore

hahahahah MISSINGNO, bitch! GRAH GRA GRAH mother fucker gimme your lunch money too, when we're older i wont be able to beat you up anymore, gwuh huh huh huh huh,

cause the

such a bad kid man i would beat everyone up cause i could. I didn't give a fuck. I was like a girl in a candy shop man. no one suspects the girl they can be giving you dead arms left and right and there isnt shit you can do about it. So mean man, like my ex... ashley...

doesnt it make you crazy when you actually really lose something. Its like aww.. i couldnt even hold on to a fork. I suck. now all i have to eat is a knife and a spoon. I shouldve gotten that 2 pak i knew it, dollaramas too expensive u sed u can find better

and what are you guys so proud of anyway, is kovalev quebecois or something? No, but you act like hes from here.

HEY! I'm tryin to DRINK here buddy, i cant drink and listen at the same time, what am i russian? Im french, im the one thats gonna talk. It takes me 9 hours to eat a steak, okay? I have over two thousand berets, do i look like i want to listen to you?

Sometimes girls ask me questions i just don't know how to answer okay? Im just me, you have to deal with it.

But like we'll start fooling around and then when we start taking off our clothes shes like

“hold on a minute”

Who the fuck wears Jean Cretien underwear?

Me okay? Me

cmon guys can you imagine that? Some girl really wants you and all she gets is a fucking barrage of jean cretien eating hot wings, with hot sauce all over his face? Raarrrh, intimacy! Its so good man, such good fore play, mmm. laughs God, that guy looks like a fucked up raisin man, he has problems. I thought he was a great prime minister for you guys man. I wouldve loved a leader where i couldve been like, “hey, whatever happens, at least im not as ugly as that guy”. Oh wait, i sorta do already, fuck. Wait, sweet. George bush come get some of this fuckin hair man. Just try. (so dumb hahhaa)

on choose your own adventure (you have to explain your jokes more at first, to get them to follow your train of thought)

“i hate how they make you sound like you're crippled or something in that man”

we dont like to laugh, why the fuck do you think we drink at grumpys? Okay, thats fair.

I hate it when people argue big corporations like they know what they're talking about man. People argue against costco man like what the fuck they dont steal your jobs. What are you pissed you couldn't get a job at costco? ~so saaaD, booo HooOO~. They give you free samples, man, you're just a jerk if you don't like that. “i don't like it when people give me things for free.” and i love it when they give it to you man, its like they give it to you and you're like, “thanks, im not going to buy that, uh huh hur huh hur” some say comedians have the toughest job in the world but i think those sample guys have it the worst. How do you think those guys get a date? “so what do you do?” “uhh im a sample guy.” “get outta here” “what, i got my jean cretien underwear on, damn it”

but then when something cool like dollarama pops up and everyones like YEAAAA DOLLARAMA IS AWESOME!! its the same fucking thing. You just hate costco cause its not dollarama man. You'd be happy if there were a million fucking dollaramas but its probably the worst thing. How many kids do you think die to make those gummy frogs, probably a million. Those are gummy kids man, not gummy frogs! “noo, don't eat me aaah... i want to grow up and...uh... do nothing for a while (larry voice ~ooohHHooH~)”.

Those are china kids not gummy frogs man! You're eating my team, assholes.

Haha one time i smoked salvia and i thought i was like in a video game, like unreal tournament, and i was like hold on man my team is here, and i busted out of the room like i was gonna start shooting (and i said Brok brok bork) guys, but then i was like, holy shit, this party we're gonna go to is awesome! i was the only one in the room, too. Salvia makes me feel cold, like waves of spikes. Poooof.

Pull out a spliff before the last joke and be like i need this to motivate me til the end, man. This one is for you guys ( i love how we give ourselves rewards when we do good things for ourselves. We're like our own puppies)

(find out what your characters want,

what people want and talk a bout it

figure out what people really find important and talk about it) [don't say fuck as much, i don't know, when you say it less it become funnier] start out strong, ordering your jokes is very important, crucial man. 2^nd best joke first, third best joke second to last, best joke last.

Talk about my lonely christmas eating ravioli out of a can. (a sad fonzi) i was like fonzi in that episode of happy days when he was all sad. “ehh...”

“will you stop fucking stabbing me with that thing”

“what?”

“put stabson away already!”

we want to be loved right? I feel like everyone here, it doesnt matter who you are, is constantly trying to prove that theres nothing wrong with us. Right? I just love you guys, that's all i just want to make you laugh that's why im here man “i'm glad i could make you guys laugh, im smoking this spliff now, thanks”

Green line joke.... aaah my face is broken “it's flossin time”

getting plastered is probably a good idea again. Then you can laugh at yourself and have confidence that at least you think you're funny, so maybe the audience will too.

Lol yea right ( analyze it from a professors point of view )juxtaposition, this one is good man, i think you could probably do something with this, just figure it out, it might take forever but dont lose it.