Need to also make non girl/non asian references, egh, not my complete style at all, i need to sit down and write a tangent – say im from california

this routine could be about women, dont let the creative flow get owned, just keep writing man, dont limit yourself, write about EVERYTHING, ANYTHING, its all about getting enough material to be on stage right now

from now on keep all your organized stand up in this file, so you never lose a single joke and you're organized okay

you know how girls do mean things to tease you sometimes but they can get away with it sometimes

agh need to constantly stay fresh! Cant just use same limited physical comedy/pop references, think outside the box a while man

Ashley giving me a lobster, and then cutting my wounds with its claw and i think its salt but really

shes pouring tuberculosis in there

“that's not salt its ecstasy! You're gonna loooooove me!”

WHAT

is that even POSSIBLE

and shes just like smiling trying to tackle me to the ground and wrestle, 'I lOVE U “”!!”

and im just shouting lik,e oh my god oh my fucking god you cant just give someone syphallus

goddamn it!

And she'll start to get teary eyed and say real sad to me

“but u dont LOVE ME?”

and ill be sort of like moving around like i have to go to the bathroom with my limbs at my side “agh... of course i love u”

“NO U DONT

IM GONNA KILLLLLL MYSELF”

sometiems i dont know what to say really, i think i just yelled back then

looks down

“you're a pussy! Diego luna was bitten by five hundred lobster and he LETS his girlfriend do

“AAAAAGH, who the FUCK is DIEGO LUNA”

i hate those fruedian guys man, like what's up with them and how much they persist to try n “get u”. it's not even like age matters either, these guys are fucking dick professors and stuff

what the fuck is so respectable about putting your dick in your dad, goddamn it

hey where are YOU going? (mexican)

“i'm looking for work”

it's like

ill be watching a movie and ill see someone good looking

and ill whisper to my friend

"man, that sinbad guy sure is handsome"

and my fruedian friend friend'll say

thats probably cause you jack off to your mom

... fag

one thing that really bothers me you know is when im messing around with someone and they have an outtie belly button.

Aw man... outtie.

The outtie is like a scrunched up face , it's always getting in the way of things

cant maneuver like you usually can, there are nubs (nubbins) of skin flying everywhere

its like when you're opening a present and a fucking snake pops out and bites you in the face

like AAAH , AAAh(me afterwards reacting)

its so offensive, so obtuse

outtie is like when you're pulling down a girls pants and suddenly you're like

“goddamn it, you never told me you were a centaur.

Well this changes everything”

inny is like a womb, i could hibernate in there, get a nice blanket

read a book itll be a nice winter

teresas belly button (im glad its an inny, sure is big in here)

"who put a rush poster up back here?)

i rmeember my ex girlfriend teresa, she was canadian

i used to hang out in hers all the time man

but one time i was cleaning up and i was like

“who put up a rush poster up back here?”

you know i try to pull off that, eh stuff, that you canadians

say? but it never works. i just sound goofy when i say it. like,

oh boy that wagon wheel sure tastes good, eh?

i changed my password to maple syrup eh? oh yea i gotta get dat done on der

webernet too eh (in a husehd hushed canadian voice)

and how about those canadiens huh? they're doing pretty good.

the way you guys love hockey man i love it

i had a conversation with my friend the other day, like uh

yea da c anadiens eat da ottawa senators for breakfast eh? they're all like

let's debate this issue cause we're senators

, and we're like put some more bacon on that eh,

and we just eat them and they like, lose the game eh cause they're all

eaten?

and then i took their wallets and bought some alexander keiths,

that was the greatest part of the night, eh

some guy at tim hortons afterwards

offered me a hoot of his wristwatch but i never

smoked weed out of a wristwatch before eh? So i said no (so i turned him down)

i like it how you guys say hoot instead of a hit

i dont ever hoot man, im like...

... a dead owl

Assy joke

can you guys imagine the world if there weren't any cups around man?

Hey man do you want some sprite?

Sure man.... AW FUCK

maybe write a joke about the gap in my teeth

i brush my teeth but not like u guys uh huh huh huhh

voice needs improvement.

--

Are you ready to LAUGH

you know there was this girl who had a huge crush on me

“my face and boobs melted off in the 9^th grade.

... will you go to the prom with me?”

“uhh... no”

coke pepsi

like choosing between two six foot girls

hey you taste better

cant get away with having an affinity for like the latinas you know,

even though they're pretty cute i guess

like girls or i think even gay guys i dont know, but people other than ME can say, that spanish (MEXICAN)

(in yangleys voice)

“how about that spicy latino flavor, ulike this asian heat”

any latinas?

(improv back in the day)

hey wer r u going

im looking for work

(this joke might only work in cali)

\asian super star\\ tru roots/ california/montreal buddy woop woop, shit i need to do moodle postings dont i? (KEEP THIS STANDUP ONLY DUMASS)

got my sister a balloon with ten dollars in it

two balloons one with one dollar and one with zero dollars

(11:41:29 PM) indiegumby: she was crying
(11:41:30 PM) indiegumby: irl
(11:41:31 PM) indiegumby: hahahaha
(11:41:33 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg
(11:41:36 PM) Dextrous Scholar: you should include that part

(just to let anyone know)

(11:42:42 PM) indiegumby: once i got my sister
(11:42:44 PM) indiegumby: berenstein bears books
(11:42:46 PM) indiegumby: that were already on
(11:42:48 PM) indiegumby: the family shelf
(11:42:59 PM) indiegumby: i just wrapped them up and gave them to her
(11:43:26 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg lol
(11:43:34 PM) Dextrous Scholar: those suck so much

“ohh here u gooo”

you can't do that! Youre breakin the rules of comedY!!

story of mabel and how the indigenous ppls

didnt even speak in english, just in broken english

mabel was a slave.

how was your american thanksgiving

what i cant get say negative six

minus six

teresa laughing at awkward metric sysmte

am i right the cold seed

hello george washington

ooh look who graduated george washington

isnt that a good name george washington

aww...

my feelings

keep working on your routine and some day you'll be great man... itll take a while

but youll get it just start writing down EVERYTHING even if its bad, get it out there

agh dont go into dirty humor, you dont need to

be more intelligent

i brush my teeth but not like u guys

“face is like fuckin sandpaper!”

green line/floss (aaaah, my face is broken)

hey do you know warner bloxman? Sorry, blox

“i wonder if anyone thinks about what someone's skeleton looks like”

--

want other material too

choose your own adventure

you sort of feel bad because youve never gotten to choose your own goddamn adventure before everyones telling you to learn about paul revere or cro magnum or something and its really nice

(look around your shoulder to see if its alright, and dive right in)

if you want to

be a huge loser, flip to page 29

be lame and uncool go to page 53

i dont know if i want that, dunno if thats on my perogative right now (in english)

if you want to be a hero, flip to page 53

alrite 53 here i come

( O NO! ) A DRAGON HAS MELTED YOUR FACE OFF

uhh what? But this is MY adventure?

If you want to slay the dragon go to page 94

if you want to be cool again flip to page 47

(why does the book sound like the movie fone guy? Does this guy watch a lot of movies or something?)

alright 47, make me a stud again

you have asked jennifer to the prom

you say

jenny i am sorry i melted my face off will u go to the prom with me

jennifer sez

“no, get away from me i dont like to go to prom with no faces”

u r un popular and ded

The end

(u deded yourself when she said no get away from me)

“goddamn it even in my fantasy world i cannot win”

“if you were crippled you couldnt draw that”

“if he were crippled he couldnt have drawn that i dont think”

thanks george washington

no problem i will get your body and your arm

and little kids would always spell things wrong so you always get the fucked up version of the story

dont get me started on the double standards i think women have sometimes. I mean yeah tons of guys are jerks, okay, but dont act like you dont have types of guys you're automatically attracted to.

I feel like i can't talk to women simply because of how i look, not the things i say, like ill come up with something real romantic like

“hey der baby, how about some of ur vacation hours are spent in luvtown”

“hey beautiful... beautiful... i love you”

“oh my god get away from me you creep”

she turns to her friend and says

“did you just see that ? I think that asian girl just tried to hit on me? Ew”

and then i dont know, fucking kareem AKON jabbar walks by all tall and mighty

u'z my bitches

how you you'in

then walks away

and they're all like

“omg , we are his bitches”

“yeaaah, did you see his 47 pack”

“no stupid it was a 98 pack... mmm”

(who's AKON?? i'm too old to understand that reference... is AKON kareem jabbars middle name?)

i love it when people here pretend they dont speak english

in such an exaggeratred way like you ask them

hey how do i get to the hospital im bleeding

and they just sort of look at you wide eyed not saying anything (hold out arms and shake head like “whaaaT? I dont understand you, sorry!”

nobody wants to deal with that shit i guess i dont blame you

i don't understand body language!

This how i usually gesticulate; (do the “helix” dance with your arms like that girl in pete and pete)

falling in the ice twice,

you didn't give me your phone number!!

i came here from all the way from california, and i will not have uncool people at my fucking house you hear me? Only people i want here pleaes...

theres like something seriously wrong with people who like way younger people man

like if you're

like

45 and a really attractive women

and you're like into 20 something androgynous guys

... yo ushould probably...stay... after the show...

i'll..report you...

(i'd love to report you)

having an intro saying

so thees are jokes other people thought would be funny but i really didnt think were that funny

ARE YOU REDY TO LAFF

sheena told me i should tell a joke with a space between my teeth

“i brush my teeth but not like u guys huhuhuh”

give a giraffe some water but cut a hole in its throat so he'd think he'd be refreshed but really he'd just be disappointed.

me and my brothers used to roll around with me and sandwiched me inbetween their big tummies. It was their idea of family bonding i guess, they called it a jam session

randomly say out of nowhere and rub your thighs with your hands,

“man i hate smoking with gloves on”

these are some stories i wrote

o no the revolutionary war is happening

george washington is here to save us

he is saying

minitemun minute men and

country men lets fight

chrage charge charge

george washington help me

what is it my son

my body they got my body

i will get your body and your arm

thank you.. gorge washingson

mabel (little sheen's idea of what being a slave was like) seven american perception of slaves-

dear diary

i have to work

everyday i have to do all the work and have no fun

i am a slave

my only other friend is a white girl who is also a slave.

everyday we have to wear our nasty dresses because mistress whips us if we dont wear them

later

the indians come and skin my dad and their dads

and they say

ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

because they have no language of their own to speak in

they can only

ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

today is a sad day because my dads skins are off and i am still a slave

love,

mabel

(da mistress and how she talks about the mistress)

keep working on material

hahahah nasty dress i have to add that in somewhere

"Girl! You up there?" screamed the mistress.
"Yes'm!"
"You best be changing. Our guests will be here any minute!"
"Yes'm."

With a grunt, Mabel got up and struggled to get on her nasty dress. It was tight, with disgusting white ruffles, but apparentley, the mistress thought it was necessary, for Mabel was whipped every time she appeared in public withought it.

Mabel was a slave. She hated it. She wished she could escape from her horrible chores and her obsessed mistress. Her only friend was the white slave, Gretchen, who was the cook. Mabel woke everymorning at 6 am, fetched the milk and the eggs, then woke up her mistress and for the rest of the day, obeyed the mistress's horrid orers. SHe went to sleep at 11 pm, awating another terrible day.

Action thriler featuring denzel washington as

STEVE BIKO

also featuring

SINBAD

as...

STEVE BIKO

also have to present myself on stage and talk about issues that bother me you know, like cavaties. I mean i know ive got em but i just pile em on because im afraid of what'll happen. You ever do that? Then suddenly you have to get a root canal and you leave to montreal because they'll save your teeth there, but no.

had some problems, my life over the last year

smoking lots of doobies and sorta chilling out, i dont know

traveled to nashville for a while,

they had this game where we would go into a trailer and pad the inside with mattresses and roll the fucker down a hill it was great

just gotta smoke less weed man its killing your insecurities, honestly, itll keep ruining you

fuck this is just the cream of the crop right now you dont know how itll work out

TRY to use the voice you tell sheen jokes in man)

keep writin material (smoke less weed ugh

doobie time at 7:20pm no energy anymore... stop hurting your brain cells man, you need to be fresh, i want to see another good joke by tomorrow lol)

dont think you dont need improvement

you need years and years and years of improvement and experience man! You also need to keep writing whenever you think of something, smoke less and get out in the world man

(also do your stupid hw lol)

ugh i hate “chan to chong” cheap jokes jesus

ugh, cheap jokes, asian people dont give a fuck man we're just wondering why you're always fucking with us man.

Guys doing cheap jokes on asians fuck

or guys who look like tom cruise or other minor celebrities

fuck

and whats with this entire thing about making fun of asian guys man? Shit with a warm heart and good head of hair you can fuckin do anything

so take that you bald racist mother fuckers

you see this hair? I know its fuckin pretty man, i grew it

alright im glad i fucking went and scoped out the competition, i think i could floor them with a little more practice

“but i like driving an audi!” - on outtie belly buttons (i bet he cant even drive, u know cause hes

...black)

missing no – obscure references; was soooo stoned and drunk laughed at such inappropriate times met a guy from new zealand whatever, he seemed nice, gave me the number to comedyworks great guy thanks

you think u got it bad dude? I only smoked NINE joints today!

You proved to yourself you could go on your own to do stuff... you arent a coward. This town

isnt so scary anymore once you go out and see the people huh

we're all

just

people

heyy man im from california yeah wooo alright

so hows everyone doing tonight

hahaha im sorry man i cant do that shit anymore

im way too fucking stoned. Heres where the real show begins okay? Here we go you fuckers

if anyone wants to touch it get it line man, behind me buddy

girls love to fill up space

(manhattan dandelion-space the final frontier, one million!!!)

do asian people like to smoke weed?

Yeah we would like to smoke weed

but we're smokin too much meth stayin up to make the toys supporting your society!