you're constnatly trying to make me breathe funny

even my nose wheezes these days... i tried quiting cigarettes to no real avail
maybe ill live to tell a tall tale

Grumpys, i felt like i was princess di's limo driver

“hey uhh... i just got into a bunch of shit i was wondering if i could use your phone”

...anyone?

get the fuck outta here asshole we're watching the game, duh

but grumpyts really is the best crowd,

because they tell you the truth man

hey where are you spending ur birthday

“gruhh.. grumpys”

....

gotta be more like me on stage just telling jokes

know why they still keep pennies around?

so huge cumheads like me can follow you bitches around!

ull be at the bank and you'll say, hi shopkeep,

ill be have uhh, a hundred pennies, wrap em up for me

thats basically like saying hey i want a hundred guys to cum on my head

so i was watchin porn

what the fuck do you want from me i watch porn once in a while goddamn it

we're always doing things but never admitting it you know

"why do u drink" "cuz im hAppY"

"o sory i thought i was at laughy's"

ninja star whoosh (in the strength one) “o i got ninja star now,” whoosh whoosh whoosh it would be great if we could choose our own adventures right? Like in those choose your own adventure books?

penis is in our spine!

“im gonna spine fuck you baby...

79 inches”

so i was drinking a couple 80s the other day

tomatoes? Youre a dumb mother fucker. Why do i fucking hang out with this guy? I want to kill you.

Whenever you go out you make it a point to show your friends how stupid he is

oh dont bothering ordering that, antoine wont eat it

when antoine goes to the bathroom, “antoine is a fag isnt he?”

Or like baby, i don't care what you say, space jam is the worst fucking make out song ive ever heard.

All montreal cares about is fucking looking pretty and making sure pizzaghetti is a real thing. Because pizzaghetti isnt real man.

All it is is a fuckign slice of pizza and some spaghetti. Its not like i put a dirty earthworm in a tank with some carrot fucker and say, “hes mexican” . Oh look , hes diggin a hole? Hes looking for work

The first time my black friend got stoned he was fucking nerdier than anyone ive ever seen man. Like he was not fuckin chill about it at all

like first we went to get some mexican food (which you guys really have no idea what you're doing, by the way. Fucking bell papers in some garbage bread does not count as a tostata). But anyway ellery, yeah great name, eh? Anyway he took a hit and the whole time he was like

“o man. I didn't know it could be like this, u mean u guys just get high every day and like that's what you do?”

“um.. yeah”

“THATS AMAZING. We have to like TELL THE WORLD man. People outside need to kno, that this is what its like”

i remember getting back at like 2 pm and he looks at me real concerned and is like, “i gotta do that standup shit tonight man am i going to be okay?”

and im like what, in fuckin seven hours? Hahahahah

AM I GOING TO BE OKAY? When we think we're not going to be okay, everything seems like it's going to kill us.

Snooze alarm

you learn to sleep through it

why isnt it beeping

oh god

a thousand times, oh ill just hit this nine more times

it's like that friend who always give you shitty advice that you hate

“hey buddy, u shud get up!”

“shut the fuck up, bitch!” smacks him in the face”

yeah and then he does shutup but like nine minutes later hes right back in

“WAH WAH WAH”

oh my god shut UP shut UP pounds it

that fucker is relentless, man, he doesn't shut the fuck up. You gotta kill him for him to shutup. “WAH WAH WAH” “that's it guy, there goes your life support gwah! *pulls

(cant write jokes like you're chappelle or something, need a wide variety of influence fuck)

put missingno into a routine

GRAH it would sound like it wanted to die

then it would kill all your pokemon

that shit was awesome,

it literally killed your friends game when you played them with it

its like ok i got uh pikachu, charisaur, ratatat, some unicorns thing, a blob, ditto its a blob, and this really ugly bitch jynx.

When you would battle your friends

whats happening to my game it wont turn on anymore

hahahahah MISSINGNO, bitch! GRAH GRA GRAH mother fucker gimme your lunch money too, when we're older i wont be able to beat you up anymore, gwuh huh huh huh huh,

cause the

such a bad kid man i would beat everyone up cause i could. I didn't give a fuck. I was like a girl in a candy shop man. no one suspects the girl they can be giving you dead arms left and right and there isnt shit you can do about it. So mean man, like my ex... ashley...

doesnt it make you crazy when you actually really lose something. Its like aww.. i couldnt even hold on to a fork. I suck. now all i have to eat is a knife and a spoon. I shouldve gotten that 2 pak i knew it, dollaramas too expensive u sed u can find better

and what are you guys so proud of anyway, is kovalev quebecois or something? No, but you act like hes from here.

HEY! I'm tryin to DRINK here buddy, i cant drink and listen at the same time, what am i russian? Im french, im the one thats gonna talk. It takes me 9 hours to eat a steak, okay? I have over two thousand berets, do i look like i want to listen to you?

Sometimes girls ask me questions i just don't know how to answer okay? Im just me, you have to deal with it.

But like we'll start fooling around and then when we start taking off our clothes shes like

“hold on a minute”

Who the fuck wears Jean Cretien underwear?

Me okay? Me

cmon guys can you imagine that? Some girl really wants you and all she gets is a fucking barrage of jean cretien eating hot wings, with hot sauce all over his face? Raarrrh, intimacy! Its so good man, such good fore play, mmm. laughs God, that guy looks like a fucked up raisin man, he has problems. I thought he was a great prime minister for you guys man. I wouldve loved a leader where i couldve been like, “hey, whatever happens, at least im not as ugly as that guy”. Oh wait, i sorta do already, fuck. Wait, sweet. George bush come get some of this fuckin hair man. Just try. (so dumb hahhaa)

on choose your own adventure (you have to explain your jokes more at first, to get them to follow your train of thought)

“i hate how they make you sound like you're crippled or something in that man”

we dont like to laugh, why the fuck do you think we drink at grumpys? Okay, thats fair.

I hate it when people argue big corporations like they know what they're talking about man. People argue against costco man like what the fuck they dont steal your jobs. What are you pissed you couldn't get a job at costco? ~so saaaD, booo HooOO~. They give you free samples, man, you're just a jerk if you don't like that. “i don't like it when people give me things for free.” and i love it when they give it to you man, its like they give it to you and you're like, “thanks, im not going to buy that, uh huh hur huh hur” some say comedians have the toughest job in the world but i think those sample guys have it the worst. How do you think those guys get a date? “so what do you do?” “uhh im a sample guy.” “get outta here” “what, i got my jean cretien underwear on, damn it”

but then when something cool like dollarama pops up and everyones like YEAAAA DOLLARAMA IS AWESOME!! its the same fucking thing. You just hate costco cause its not dollarama man. You'd be happy if there were a million fucking dollaramas but its probably the worst thing. How many kids do you think die to make those gummy frogs, probably a million. Those are gummy kids man, not gummy frogs! “noo, don't eat me aaah... i want to grow up and...uh... do nothing for a while (larry voice ~ooohHHooH~)”.

Those are china kids not gummy frogs man! You're eating my team, assholes.

Haha one time i smoked salvia and i thought i was like in a video game, like unreal tournament, and i was like hold on man my team is here, and i busted out of the room like i was gonna start shooting (and i said Brok brok bork) guys, but then i was like, holy shit, this party we're gonna go to is awesome! i was the only one in the room, too. Salvia makes me feel cold, like waves of spikes. Poooof.

Pull out a spliff before the last joke and be like i need this to motivate me til the end, man. This one is for you guys ( i love how we give ourselves rewards when we do good things for ourselves. We're like our own puppies)

(find out what your characters want,

what people want and talk a bout it

figure out what people really find important and talk about it) [don't say fuck as much, i don't know, when you say it less it become funnier] start out strong, ordering your jokes is very important, crucial man. 2^nd best joke first, third best joke second to last, best joke last.

Talk about my lonely christmas eating ravioli out of a can. (a sad fonzi) i was like fonzi in that episode of happy days when he was all sad. “ehh...”

“will you stop fucking stabbing me with that thing”

“what?”

“put stabson away already!”

we want to be loved right? I feel like everyone here, it doesnt matter who you are, is constantly trying to prove that theres nothing wrong with us. Right? I just love you guys, that's all i just want to make you laugh that's why im here man “i'm glad i could make you guys laugh, im smoking this spliff now, thanks”

Green line joke.... aaah my face is broken “it's flossin time”

getting plastered is probably a good idea again. Then you can laugh at yourself and have confidence that at least you think you're funny, so maybe the audience will too.

Lol yea right ( analyze it from a professors point of view )juxtaposition, this one is good man, i think you could probably do something with this, just figure it out, it might take forever but dont lose it.

people who like instant message me get really mad at me for never going online, but the truth is im always online. It's not my fault you're not interesting. They always say something like “lol hay dewd” and i always ask them something like,

hey man. do you know warner bloxman? And then i never sign on again for some reason.

Need to also make non girl/non asian references, egh, not my complete style at all, i need to sit down and write a tangent – say im from california

this routine could be about women, dont let the creative flow get owned, just keep writing man, dont limit yourself, write about EVERYTHING, ANYTHING, its all about getting enough material to be on stage right now

from now on keep all your organized stand up in this file, so you never lose a single joke and you're organized okay

you know how girls do mean things to tease you sometimes but they can get away with it sometimes

agh need to constantly stay fresh! Cant just use same limited physical comedy/pop references, think outside the box a while man

Ashley giving me a lobster, and then cutting my wounds with its claw and i think its salt but really

shes pouring tuberculosis in there

“that's not salt its ecstasy! You're gonna loooooove me!”

WHAT

is that even POSSIBLE

and shes just like smiling trying to tackle me to the ground and wrestle, 'I lOVE U “”!!”

and im just shouting lik,e oh my god oh my fucking god you cant just give someone syphallus

goddamn it!

And she'll start to get teary eyed and say real sad to me

“but u dont LOVE ME?”

and ill be sort of like moving around like i have to go to the bathroom with my limbs at my side “agh... of course i love u”

“NO U DONT

IM GONNA KILLLLLL MYSELF”

sometiems i dont know what to say really, i think i just yelled back then

looks down

“you're a pussy! Diego luna was bitten by five hundred lobster and he LETS his girlfriend do

“AAAAAGH, who the FUCK is DIEGO LUNA”

i hate those fruedian guys man, like what's up with them and how much they persist to try n “get u”. it's not even like age matters either, these guys are fucking dick professors and stuff

what the fuck is so respectable about putting your dick in your dad, goddamn it

hey where are YOU going? (mexican)

“i'm looking for work”

it's like

ill be watching a movie and ill see someone good looking

and ill whisper to my friend

"man, that sinbad guy sure is handsome"

and my fruedian friend friend'll say

thats probably cause you jack off to your mom

... fag

one thing that really bothers me you know is when im messing around with someone and they have an outtie belly button.

Aw man... outtie.

The outtie is like a scrunched up face , it's always getting in the way of things

cant maneuver like you usually can, there are nubs (nubbins) of skin flying everywhere

its like when you're opening a present and a fucking snake pops out and bites you in the face

like AAAH , AAAh(me afterwards reacting)

its so offensive, so obtuse

outtie is like when you're pulling down a girls pants and suddenly you're like

“goddamn it, you never told me you were a centaur.

Well this changes everything”

inny is like a womb, i could hibernate in there, get a nice blanket

read a book itll be a nice winter

teresas belly button (im glad its an inny, sure is big in here)

"who put a rush poster up back here?)

i rmeember my ex girlfriend teresa, she was canadian

i used to hang out in hers all the time man

but one time i was cleaning up and i was like

“who put up a rush poster up back here?”

you know i try to pull off that, eh stuff, that you canadians

say? but it never works. i just sound goofy when i say it. like,

oh boy that wagon wheel sure tastes good, eh?

i changed my password to maple syrup eh? oh yea i gotta get dat done on der

webernet too eh (in a husehd hushed canadian voice)

and how about those canadiens huh? they're doing pretty good.

the way you guys love hockey man i love it

i had a conversation with my friend the other day, like uh

yea da c anadiens eat da ottawa senators for breakfast eh? they're all like

let's debate this issue cause we're senators

, and we're like put some more bacon on that eh,

and we just eat them and they like, lose the game eh cause they're all

eaten?

and then i took their wallets and bought some alexander keiths,

that was the greatest part of the night, eh

some guy at tim hortons afterwards

offered me a hoot of his wristwatch but i never

smoked weed out of a wristwatch before eh? So i said no (so i turned him down)

i like it how you guys say hoot instead of a hit

i dont ever hoot man, im like...

... a dead owl

Assy joke

can you guys imagine the world if there weren't any cups around man?

Hey man do you want some sprite?

Sure man.... AW FUCK

maybe write a joke about the gap in my teeth

i brush my teeth but not like u guys uh huh huh huhh

voice needs improvement.

--

Are you ready to LAUGH

you know there was this girl who had a huge crush on me

“my face and boobs melted off in the 9^th grade.

... will you go to the prom with me?”

“uhh... no”

coke pepsi

like choosing between two six foot girls

hey you taste better

cant get away with having an affinity for like the latinas you know,

even though they're pretty cute i guess

like girls or i think even gay guys i dont know, but people other than ME can say, that spanish (MEXICAN)

(in yangleys voice)

“how about that spicy latino flavor, ulike this asian heat”

any latinas?

(improv back in the day)

hey wer r u going

im looking for work

(this joke might only work in cali)

\asian super star\\ tru roots/ california/montreal buddy woop woop, shit i need to do moodle postings dont i? (KEEP THIS STANDUP ONLY DUMASS)

got my sister a balloon with ten dollars in it

two balloons one with one dollar and one with zero dollars

(11:41:29 PM) indiegumby: she was crying
(11:41:30 PM) indiegumby: irl
(11:41:31 PM) indiegumby: hahahaha
(11:41:33 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg
(11:41:36 PM) Dextrous Scholar: you should include that part

(just to let anyone know)

(11:42:42 PM) indiegumby: once i got my sister
(11:42:44 PM) indiegumby: berenstein bears books
(11:42:46 PM) indiegumby: that were already on
(11:42:48 PM) indiegumby: the family shelf
(11:42:59 PM) indiegumby: i just wrapped them up and gave them to her
(11:43:26 PM) Dextrous Scholar: omg lol
(11:43:34 PM) Dextrous Scholar: those suck so much

“ohh here u gooo”

you can't do that! Youre breakin the rules of comedY!!

story of mabel and how the indigenous ppls

didnt even speak in english, just in broken english

mabel was a slave.

how was your american thanksgiving

what i cant get say negative six

minus six

teresa laughing at awkward metric sysmte

am i right the cold seed

hello george washington

ooh look who graduated george washington

isnt that a good name george washington

aww...

my feelings

keep working on your routine and some day you'll be great man... itll take a while

but youll get it just start writing down EVERYTHING even if its bad, get it out there

agh dont go into dirty humor, you dont need to

be more intelligent

i brush my teeth but not like u guys

“face is like fuckin sandpaper!”

green line/floss (aaaah, my face is broken)

hey do you know warner bloxman? Sorry, blox

“i wonder if anyone thinks about what someone's skeleton looks like”

--

want other material too

choose your own adventure

you sort of feel bad because youve never gotten to choose your own goddamn adventure before everyones telling you to learn about paul revere or cro magnum or something and its really nice

(look around your shoulder to see if its alright, and dive right in)

if you want to

be a huge loser, flip to page 29

be lame and uncool go to page 53

i dont know if i want that, dunno if thats on my perogative right now (in english)

if you want to be a hero, flip to page 53

alrite 53 here i come

( O NO! ) A DRAGON HAS MELTED YOUR FACE OFF

uhh what? But this is MY adventure?

If you want to slay the dragon go to page 94

if you want to be cool again flip to page 47

(why does the book sound like the movie fone guy? Does this guy watch a lot of movies or something?)

alright 47, make me a stud again

you have asked jennifer to the prom

you say

jenny i am sorry i melted my face off will u go to the prom with me

jennifer sez

“no, get away from me i dont like to go to prom with no faces”

u r un popular and ded

The end

(u deded yourself when she said no get away from me)

“goddamn it even in my fantasy world i cannot win”

“if you were crippled you couldnt draw that”

“if he were crippled he couldnt have drawn that i dont think”

thanks george washington

no problem i will get your body and your arm

and little kids would always spell things wrong so you always get the fucked up version of the story

dont get me started on the double standards i think women have sometimes. I mean yeah tons of guys are jerks, okay, but dont act like you dont have types of guys you're automatically attracted to.

I feel like i can't talk to women simply because of how i look, not the things i say, like ill come up with something real romantic like

“hey der baby, how about some of ur vacation hours are spent in luvtown”

“hey beautiful... beautiful... i love you”

“oh my god get away from me you creep”

she turns to her friend and says

“did you just see that ? I think that asian girl just tried to hit on me? Ew”

and then i dont know, fucking kareem AKON jabbar walks by all tall and mighty

u'z my bitches

how you you'in

then walks away

and they're all like

“omg , we are his bitches”

“yeaaah, did you see his 47 pack”

“no stupid it was a 98 pack... mmm”

(who's AKON?? i'm too old to understand that reference... is AKON kareem jabbars middle name?)

i love it when people here pretend they dont speak english

in such an exaggeratred way like you ask them

hey how do i get to the hospital im bleeding

and they just sort of look at you wide eyed not saying anything (hold out arms and shake head like “whaaaT? I dont understand you, sorry!”

nobody wants to deal with that shit i guess i dont blame you

i don't understand body language!

This how i usually gesticulate; (do the “helix” dance with your arms like that girl in pete and pete)

falling in the ice twice,

you didn't give me your phone number!!

i came here from all the way from california, and i will not have uncool people at my fucking house you hear me? Only people i want here pleaes...

theres like something seriously wrong with people who like way younger people man

like if you're

like

45 and a really attractive women

and you're like into 20 something androgynous guys

... yo ushould probably...stay... after the show...

i'll..report you...

(i'd love to report you)

having an intro saying

so thees are jokes other people thought would be funny but i really didnt think were that funny

ARE YOU REDY TO LAFF

sheena told me i should tell a joke with a space between my teeth

“i brush my teeth but not like u guys huhuhuh”

give a giraffe some water but cut a hole in its throat so he'd think he'd be refreshed but really he'd just be disappointed.

me and my brothers used to roll around with me and sandwiched me inbetween their big tummies. It was their idea of family bonding i guess, they called it a jam session

randomly say out of nowhere and rub your thighs with your hands,

“man i hate smoking with gloves on”

these are some stories i wrote

o no the revolutionary war is happening

george washington is here to save us

he is saying

minitemun minute men and

country men lets fight

chrage charge charge

george washington help me

what is it my son

my body they got my body

i will get your body and your arm

thank you.. gorge washingson

mabel (little sheen's idea of what being a slave was like) seven american perception of slaves-

dear diary

i have to work

everyday i have to do all the work and have no fun

i am a slave

my only other friend is a white girl who is also a slave.

everyday we have to wear our nasty dresses because mistress whips us if we dont wear them

later

the indians come and skin my dad and their dads

and they say

ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

because they have no language of their own to speak in

they can only

ah-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo

today is a sad day because my dads skins are off and i am still a slave

love,

mabel

(da mistress and how she talks about the mistress)

keep working on material

hahahah nasty dress i have to add that in somewhere

"Girl! You up there?" screamed the mistress.
"Yes'm!"
"You best be changing. Our guests will be here any minute!"
"Yes'm."

With a grunt, Mabel got up and struggled to get on her nasty dress. It was tight, with disgusting white ruffles, but apparentley, the mistress thought it was necessary, for Mabel was whipped every time she appeared in public withought it.

Mabel was a slave. She hated it. She wished she could escape from her horrible chores and her obsessed mistress. Her only friend was the white slave, Gretchen, who was the cook. Mabel woke everymorning at 6 am, fetched the milk and the eggs, then woke up her mistress and for the rest of the day, obeyed the mistress's horrid orers. SHe went to sleep at 11 pm, awating another terrible day.

Action thriler featuring denzel washington as

STEVE BIKO

also featuring

SINBAD

as...

STEVE BIKO

also have to present myself on stage and talk about issues that bother me you know, like cavaties. I mean i know ive got em but i just pile em on because im afraid of what'll happen. You ever do that? Then suddenly you have to get a root canal and you leave to montreal because they'll save your teeth there, but no.

had some problems, my life over the last year

smoking lots of doobies and sorta chilling out, i dont know

traveled to nashville for a while,

they had this game where we would go into a trailer and pad the inside with mattresses and roll the fucker down a hill it was great

just gotta smoke less weed man its killing your insecurities, honestly, itll keep ruining you

fuck this is just the cream of the crop right now you dont know how itll work out

TRY to use the voice you tell sheen jokes in man)

keep writin material (smoke less weed ugh

doobie time at 7:20pm no energy anymore... stop hurting your brain cells man, you need to be fresh, i want to see another good joke by tomorrow lol)

dont think you dont need improvement

you need years and years and years of improvement and experience man! You also need to keep writing whenever you think of something, smoke less and get out in the world man

(also do your stupid hw lol)

ugh i hate “chan to chong” cheap jokes jesus

ugh, cheap jokes, asian people dont give a fuck man we're just wondering why you're always fucking with us man.

Guys doing cheap jokes on asians fuck

or guys who look like tom cruise or other minor celebrities

fuck

and whats with this entire thing about making fun of asian guys man? Shit with a warm heart and good head of hair you can fuckin do anything

so take that you bald racist mother fuckers

you see this hair? I know its fuckin pretty man, i grew it

alright im glad i fucking went and scoped out the competition, i think i could floor them with a little more practice

“but i like driving an audi!” - on outtie belly buttons (i bet he cant even drive, u know cause hes

...black)

missing no – obscure references; was soooo stoned and drunk laughed at such inappropriate times met a guy from new zealand whatever, he seemed nice, gave me the number to comedyworks great guy thanks

you think u got it bad dude? I only smoked NINE joints today!

You proved to yourself you could go on your own to do stuff... you arent a coward. This town

isnt so scary anymore once you go out and see the people huh

we're all

just

people

heyy man im from california yeah wooo alright

so hows everyone doing tonight

hahaha im sorry man i cant do that shit anymore

im way too fucking stoned. Heres where the real show begins okay? Here we go you fuckers

if anyone wants to touch it get it line man, behind me buddy

girls love to fill up space

(manhattan dandelion-space the final frontier, one million!!!)

do asian people like to smoke weed?

Yeah we would like to smoke weed

but we're smokin too much meth stayin up to make the toys supporting your society!

(thinking you know more than anyone else is completely useless;
philosophy is comedy, its a pointing out of the illogicality of our logicality)

the pigeons here don't fly south for the winter man, that's crazy? it's like the
quebecois cold killed their little brains. and you know whats weird? like here
the pigeons dont freak out whenever you walk by, they're the ones messing with you man
back at home the pigeons are scared to death, they WANt to fly south. if we see a pigeon
it's like

keep it concise? you need to keep writing so you have more material to cut with man
haha use the stuff you got (dont woryr lawl u actl ike u dont write everything down now
anyway)


extreme pigeons
stomping on them and saying EXTREME
pulling out a deep fryer and frying them
alrite pigeon nuggets, EXTREME (keep stomping them)
get that birdbeque sauce out
guy in russia skewered a pigeon flying by


people really do judge peopel in the back of their minds like when someone pisses you
off you really do think i wish icould turn their heads into a jelly sandwich and chuck
it at a fuckwall, like say if you like tomatoes and someone else doesnt youre like
oh man you dont okay wahtever
but youre really thinking
this fucking guy hates tomatoes? what a douchebag!


santa outfit with george as a belt
grandma made mos of my clothes
happy george

we have to do this thing in school where we workshop outlines
(i remember someone asking hey who's from concordia
and like i never raise myhand like ever like o man look at these idiots
they go to concordia? im gonna laugh at THEM)
you cant critique something before its done (on workshop)
yuo know
you cant look at a baby and say
~this pLaCenTa iSnt CoOkEd EnOuGH~

i dont want this tomato
because its just
a
mato

redman

god now i wanna take those philadelphia comments down, i didn't know how much HISTORY there was

i have no idea where this journal is going

but i like it more. it's easy on the eyes

"what's this, the VIP blog?"

apologies to philly, their weed isn't bammer. someone pointed out to me that the ROOTS are from there.

pre-philly update

i've replaced my morning coffee with the song bammer weed. with just one listen, i am pumped and energized for the rest of the day

bay area rap makes me sad i'm leaving san francisco

don't gimme no bammer weed *just smoke that dank*
we don't smoke that shit in the sfc *just smoke that dank*
don't gimme no bammer weed *just smoke that dank*
we don't smoke that shit in the sfc *just smoke that dank*

let's go to the store so i can get some gin

(it's true though, philly has some straight up bammer weed and it's gonna suck)

-real life me

my screen door is open

and there's this cow that keeps mooing over and over, and usually i wouldn't even pay attention to it, but i'm just laughing like crazy because it's been like an hour now and it still hasn't stopped

the world reknown cure for depression

grandma and i were cooking dinner for the boys when a program on television had caught her eye. doctor thaddeus tritum had announced to us his world reknown cure for diabetes and arthritis. "this new cure has been blacklisted by all the drug companies because it is simply SO cheap!"

i wasn't really listening, i was busy cutting up carrots using my new tiger claw method, furiously cutting myself into paradise. chop chop chop chop chop...

when all of a sudden grandma threw a loaf of bread at the tv and yelled, "i don't need to pay for happiness! you see this girl right here chopping carrots? she makes me happy, and these boys make me happy, and my sunday afternoon doesn't need this garbage!"

talking dirty with my new wife

jane came home, slammed the door and threw her purse against the wall. she ripped off her clothes and came at me with ferocity. i gulped down the corn pops that were already in my throat and followed her as she took my hand and led me to the bedroom. after a scary intense pre-sex ritual (who the hell was this monster), she drove her tongue into my ear and emphatically said, "talk dirty to me baby!"

we started going at it and i started to laugh because i've known jane for six years now and never in that time has she been as sexually suggestive as today. so i tried to make her happy, but this was my sweet jane, my high school sweetheart, how could i make love to her while calling her a filthy cumbucket?

"j-jane you're a c-c-cunt"
"YES YES I AM VERN OH VERNON I AM YOUR FILTHY CUNT"
"um, yes.. yes, yeah ooh um, ooh"

my guardian angel would tell me later that that night i had the most bewildered look he had ever seen. i believed him

strange dream

had a dream that jackie and i were hanging out and as she was driving we made a turn and her cheek landed on my lips and my eyes widened a bit but all i could see was a very angry jackie brown that kept saying "what the fuck, what the fuck" and she took me home and was never to be seen again.

little did i realize that she was driving MY car. you're a crook, jackie brown

the reason

i keep telling people i'm taking art lessons is because


MY OWN ART IN MY OWN STORIES

literary masterpieces with visuals of the exact thing i am talking about no more ambiguity ever

hot pastrami kills stomach linings

ulcer evidence:
prop a and prop 195
"to enforce the legal and appropriate usage of grease in sandwiches, thereby increasing the effectiveness of stomach ulcers and stomach pains"

good god do those kids need to stop drinking soda good god do i need to eat some fruit right now

when the gentleman put on leg over his bikeseat in order to properly get himself up on his bicycle, we were treated to a beautiful action-packed
show

touchy feely

november is national novel writing month, and as usual, i have no idea what to write.


actually

this is the first time i've ever heard of the goddamn thing, but my lack of ideas and inspiration is definitely real. i was thinking about writing something about the end of the world in 2012, tying in mayan prophecies and all that, but i thought better of it. i was actually thinking about writing about my future, and if knowing what happens later will change what happens now. because it is the constant NOW

okay alan watts shutup

but that's what i'm planning to do this month with my free time. OH, and i'm taking some drawing lessons

warmth

dasha and i went to starbucks and while we were in line she pointed out this kid who was the boyfriend of corinna, who was this girl i obsessed over and i don't even remember why. there was this crazy lady that kept knocking people over in line asking if anyone drove an altima DOES ANYONE DRIVE AN ALTIMA and finally i fessed up to the crime and went outside to turn off my headlights.

dasha got a caramel frappuccino though it was goddamn freezing outside. i got a pumpkin spice latte, which makes me sad already because i don't know how i'll be able to cope with anything once they take that off the menu.

this girl who simply calls herself "die dyke die" messaged me on myspace a couple of nights ago, talking about "how to be an indie kid" and i immediately thought she was attacking me so i sent her four long-winded messages about how i was all coked up now and how she should leave me alone. i think i made some lesbian/le tigre jokes because i thought she was just like grace in the way that she was into all these chic electroclash bands and attire, but jesus christ is she not like her at all. which is a good thing, because i haven't even thought about grace for a while, and i think it's sort of funny that she's getting married or something soon. anyway, the point of this paragraph was to show the reader that the only reason i struck out at her was because she reminded me of grace, which reminded me of my past, and though i sometimes lie and act like i'm okay with the past, i do everything in my power to avoid it. and jesus christ did this girl know.

she (i don't even know her name) kept saying how i was her soulmate and that i was lagging behind, that my lack of myspace friends appalled her and that i wasn't all that fit to be writing a guide (on how to..). looking back on it, that is the exact fucking thing my soulmate would say to me, to get me on the right path, and i'm pretty much convinced that even though she messaged me just two days ago, she knows me better than anyone ever could. she read inbetween the lines and knew when to make me laugh. what a sweet kid. i should go visit her down in so cal sometime, she seems pretty lonely down there.

SO
last night i saw jackie and courtney and marielle and i was so goddamn drunk i really didn't understand the situation. i railed a line with becky and felt great for a while, telling the girls how much i missed them and everything that needed to be let out. goddamn social anxiety. but i woke up feeling okay, and i think i should be truthful to myself and just accept things for how they are. i'm starting to. i like drugs (she said the drugs like you), but i should probably find a way to limit myself in the future. it isn't real life, but it is, and supposedly my dream is to unite the two worlds, every two worlds that are separated by TRAUMA AND CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, to find that fucking balance that could put every heart at easee

it's a good feeling to know that i have no obligations to anything anymore. i can finally go to philly and get some cheesesteaks

today sounds good